July 12, 2014

Why soccer is contrary to biblical ethics

by Austin Duncan

Last week Jesse wrote about how understanding soccer will make you a better Christian. Today, I want to give some balance to this discussion. I want to lay out why the whole concept of soccer is actually contrary to biblical values.

Soccer should be rejected for these 11 reasons:

1).  God intends for us to use our hands. We were made for work and the joy of accomplishing tasks. Hands–to say nothing of opposable thumbs–are an inherent part of the creativity and complexity that is the human race. Soccer rejects that.

2).   Scoreless ties are ungodly. Competition is given to have victors. Some truths are so self-evident that to be forced to state them at all really shows how far we have fallen.

3).  The sport is rooted in communism (see #2).

4).  Too much referee involvement denies personal liberty (see #3).

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5). In essence, the sport is aimless jogging. The average world cup player runs 9 miles a game, and ends up exactly where he started. The average world cup player also never even scores, so that running didn’t do him a lot of good.

6).  Subjective timekeeping = postmodernism. When it comes to something as basic as time, there are no standards or fixed measurements. It is left to the subjective feelings and whims of an individual, which is perfect for our age and also contrary to the way God designed time to function.

7).  Boring.

8).  No commercials = anti-capitalistic. God invented work and profit, soccer denies both (see #3).

9) Flopping and fake crying. The book of Proverbs has much to say about God’s disposition toward liars.

10).  “Gooooooooaaal!” The entire way of saying that word has changed, and is a direct assault on the separation given to languages at Babel. In addition, it is annoying.

11). Offside rule is more difficult to comprehend than physics. Laws are only effective as a deterrent when they are clear and easily understood. This rule, at the heart of soccer, is neither.

Enjoy the game tomorrow.

Austin Duncan

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Austin is an elder and college pastor at Grace Church in Los Angeles.
  • Metaxy

    Can you explain how this post was written for the glory of God?
    I mean it seriously. Could you take some minutes to defend biblically this kind of blogging? I mean Eph 5:3-4 says there is some kid kind of joking that is unworthy of a christian. Of course playing with my niece and laughing is not what Paul meant.

    And should not everthing we say be good to the use of edifying oure hearers?
    Could it be that you are mocking some people, who try to evaluate everything they to by the standards of the bible and come to the conclusion that soccer is contrary to the kingdom of God? I am not saying that you are mocking them, but i am asking you if this is what you meant to do.

    The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the communion of the Holy Ghost, be with you all.

  • http://thecripplegate.com Jesse Johnson

    In response to a few questions I’ve already received, let me say this: this post is supposed to be funny–its making fun of soccer. Its not making fun of those who try and see everything in the world through a biblical lens–would that we all! Its making of soccer. Period. If you want your money back after reading it, just let me know :)

    • 4Commencefiring4

      Names. We want names.

      • elainebitt

        LOL, yes!!!

    • elainebitt

      I cannot believe some people thought it was anything but a funny post.

      • Lyndon Unger

        Believe it. No matter what someone writes, there will be someone, somewhere, taking it serious and sharpening a pitchfork.

    • Creighton Ring

      C’mon Jesse. You have to respond to #9.

    • tovlogos

      Agreed Jesse — that’s what I thought when I read this post — tongue-in-cheek. And I certainly agree with #11. Having come from a country where soccer is normative, even there the offside rule can be perplexing. Thanks.

      Mark

  • Jordan Standridge

    If I was 6’5″ and uncoordinated I would have hated soccer too.

  • Nathan Williams

    Austin is now the Christian Ann Coulter

    • 4Commencefiring4

      Or is Ann the Christian Austin? :)

  • Taneil

    Lover it…especially #9.

  • Libs

    made me laugh.

  • Tyrone

    This article is great for Christianity and America. Almost as great as the Tea Party movement. Classy Move

  • http://www.melissacollins.biz/ Melissa Collins

    Oh I loved it. I got the humor. Nice light read for today, with some great Biblical truths!

  • http://juanmuriango.blogspot.com/ John Muriango

    The worst form of sarcasm, it has failed as it does not build us up

    • Lyndon Unger

      It built me up. I was having a lousy day, read this, laughed and enjoyed it, and thanked the Lord for his little ray of sunshine named “Austin Duncan”.

      So now what? Does my being built up and your not being built up cancel each other out? Is the score zero or what?

  • Joe Scoggins

    To the commenters who tried to turn this post into what it is not: Good Grief!

  • http://suzlt.blogspot.com/ Suzanne T

    Brilliantly played, brother.

  • http://www.parkingspace23.com/ Karl Heitman

    Communism? Personal liberty? Capitalistic?! Austin, deep down inside I always knew you’re a true, red-white-and-blue, American Patriot!

  • Pastor J.

    Two can play at this game…let me get out my theological debating tools:

    #1 – God is obviously not too keen on hands since if one causes you to sin you should cut it off and cast it from you
    #2 – Recognizing equality when it exists is very much in line with NT teachings
    #3 – Even if true, the Jerusalem church practiced sharing to such a degree that some would consider to be a form of communism
    #4 – That’s okay, I’m more of a Calvinist anyway
    #5 – It did however do him some good…bodily exercise profits a little
    #6- James tells us that those who plan things so concretely that there is
    no room to do what is right when the chance occurs are sinning
    #7 – Spoken like a person who is interested only in numbers rather than faithful service
    #8 – Fewer commercials = fewer opportunities to be drawn into worldly materialism and excessive booze
    #9- Just because some lie should not cause us to lose our compassion
    toward those who are genuinely hurt…weep with those who weep
    #10 – Restoration of a pure language is part of the restoration of all things
    #11 – Spoken like a person who is not willing to study to show themselves approved.

    …Or something like that :D

    • http://captive105.com D’Artagnan Kunene

      Killed it! Nicely Done!

  • Jmac

    What is wrong with some of you? It’s a joke

  • Michial Brown

    All sports are evil. Men in tight colorful clothing kicking or catching or throwing dead animal hides is evil.

  • http://almostreadytogoamish.blogspot.com/ Johnny

    I read the headline and was hoping this was going to be a tad more serious, potentially addressing fathers who neglect their children and family-leadership responsibilities in order to sit motionless on a couch watching sports, or maybe even an indictment of the sport fans who blithely disregard the human trafficing that takes place during these events. Nope, just cheap gags.

    • I thought the post was funny

      Alright, Captain-You-Planet. Let’s chill out here.

      First of all–and this may come as a shocker–every post on other peoples’ blogs don’t need to meet your demanding specifications.

      Second, humour doesn’t automatically equal cheap gags. Calling anything that is humorous “cheap gags” is actually a pretty cheap shot.

      And third, if you are so fired up at the necessity of the topic you just described, you just go ahead and write it yourself. You don’t need to whine about other people not writing the post you wanted to be written (see point 1).

      • http://almostreadytogoamish.blogspot.com/ Johnny

        If a blog has a Disqus forum that makes it open game, friend. Otherwise they could go the route of some evangelical blogs and just turn of comments. But maybe you’re right, maybe I shouldn’t get all fired up and I should make myself inert on a couch, ignoring my family in order to get fat and watch grown men kick a ball around for hours…

    • Lyndon Unger

      Well, you’ve read the Cripplegate enough to know that this place is basically the whoopie cushion of Evangelicalism, right?

      Come on Johnny…even us serious theologians get to poke fun at something every now and then. All starch makes for an unhealthy diet.

      • http://almostreadytogoamish.blogspot.com/ Johnny

        Except for steak fries…

  • http://captive105.com D’Artagnan Kunene

    This is hilarious!!!! Killled it!! Death by #1.. no hands!