“We love each other and want to get married, but my parents won’t let us!”
As an elder in a college ministry, one of the most difficult counseling situations I encounter is where a couple wants to get married, but one of the parents objects for what seem like trivial reasons. This dilemma presents a chance for church leadership to give guidance to a couple in need, and also to bring biblical wisdom to bear on what is often a complex situation.
The reason these situations are complex is because there are two competing biblical principles in play: forbidding marriage is sinful (1 Tim 4:3, Heb 13:4; cf. Luke 20:34), and parent’s should be honored (Mark 10:19, Eph 6:2). What do you do when those two are in conflict with each other? A wise couple would seek out pastoral counsel.
When those couples seek me out, there are four principles I take to heart:
1. Each case is Personal. There is not an easy answer to this situation. There is no one-size-fits-all advice. Every situation has unique factors that contribute to it. It is helpful to ask a lot of questions to everyone involved; parents, church leaders, and the couple themselves. Find out the details, employment status, and family situation of the want-to-be bride and groom.
Proverbs 18:17 says “The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him” and that is certainly true in these situations. I have seen a couple tell me that a parent won’t let them get married because of silly or sinful reasons (“My parents won’t let me marry someone from that ethnicity”), only to talk to the parents and hear completely reasonable objections (“He is 26 and wants to play video games professionally”). Things are often not as they first seem. Which leads to:
2. Respond with Patience. As a pastor, I want to take time to sort out the particulars. In these situations, time is usually my friend, not my enemy. Allowing weeks or even months to erode away the initial impressions gives me a way to form my own opinions on the couple’s relationship. That way counsel is grounded in actual experience with the couple, rather than on their representation of the issue.
Couples that want to get married are often marked by a false sense of urgency. Everything needs to be decided right now! Pastors and elders that are involved in this kind of situation should recognize that time and truth go hand-in-hand, and that a rush to give council will not benefit anyone.
3. Pastoral involvement is limited. The pastor is not the Pope, and he does not have the authority to bless or condemn marriages. These kind of relationships require wisdom, and the pastor can offer that. They require perspective and mature Christian counsel, both of which the pastor can provide. But they do not require the pastor telling the couple what to do. If they are believers, then the pastor can give is advice, and let them make up their own mind. As long as they are not sinning, they have the freedom to do what they want to with my council.
There are occasions when a parent’s forbidding of marriage is sinful, and should not be honored. Here are two obvious examples, both of which I have seen: In one case, unbelieving parents forbid their daughter from marrying anyone who was a Christian. In another case, parents who claimed to be believers forbid their son from marrying someone of another race. In both cases, assuming the first two principles are followed, I can envision an elder counseling the couple to go ahead with their marriage despite their parent’s objections.
Likewise, there are situations where the parent’s objections may seem more nebulous; for example, a parent that forbids marriage until a certain artificially chosen age. And then there are objections that are even clearer; a parent who encourages delay in marriage until the husband has a job and some level of savings. But in all the cases, the pastor needs to remember that he is not rendering a verdict. He is not blessing a union, and he is not forbidding a union. He is simply giving counsel to people. It is a limited role.
If a pastor forgets this principle and acts as if the decision is his to make, I can gaurentee he will be overstepping his bounds. Pastors are not referees. They don’t need to arbitrate the dispute, and then render a verdict as if their word is the law. This kind of dispute will suck time if the pastor lets it. Rather, he should simply give counsel.
I have even encountered a few situations where I counseled the couple to wait, and they decided they wanted to go forward anyway. I still performed the ceremony because in my estimation I made my counsel clear. And it was just that: counsel. They were not sinning by wanting to get married, so I certainly wasn’t going to refuse them.
4. Purity is primary. I convey this to every couple in this situation. If the relationship is not sexually pure, their parent’s objections are validated. A relationship marked by sin is clearly not God’s will, and to engage in sexual immorality destroys the credibility of the relationship.
This point is critical for the couple to remember, because if they are going to give the pastor time to evaluate their relationship, it is obvious that temptation to sin sexually will simply grow. The couple needs to be disciplined in how they precede in their relationship, because marriage is honoring to the Lord, while sexual sin is not.
With those four principles in mind, I take time to pray and get council from a few other elders. After observing the relationship through time, I encourage the couple with biblical principles, and trust that the Lord will be honored as they strive to honor him.
Is there anything you would add to this list?
